The Pitch: Why you must give us $4 million
Thea demonstrating an
unsuccessful method of
getting $4 million.
Don't get us wrong. We aren't asking for $4 million so we can retire to the outer Azores, hire a couple of cabaña boys and settle on our increasingly voluptuous laurels for the rest of our days.
No. That would be lazy, boring and besides the money wouldn't last.
For us, $4 million wouldn't be an end, but a beginning. The reason we need $4 million is so that we can get started.
And don't think we're slackers. We've tried pretty darn hard to get the cash using other methods -- gambling, day jobs. But there's no way our miserable salaries are ever going to add up to the kind of capital we need to execute our plans.
The Concept | What We'd Do with $4 Million
What Money Can't Buy
How To Get in Touch
Our request for $4 million has a noble heritage, stemming back all the way to the Renaissance.
As anyone who didn't sleep through European or Art History classes will tell you, the artistic marvels of the Italian (and later, European) Renaissance were made possible by a complex system of patronage. The Church, and later wealthy merchant families, partook in the system, underwriting the activities of artists, craftsmen, scientists and other intellectuals. The Medici clan alone funded the works of Galileo, Ghiberti, Brunelleschi, Donatello, Boticelli and Michelangelo, among others.
While the system's benefits to artists are obvious, patronage also benefitted the benefactors:
Dome by Brunelleschi,
brought to you by ...
The Catholic Church
The social standing of the patron ... benefitted from the arrangement. Sponsoring several clients indicated substantial wealth and an interest in the community. Especially accomplished clients brought to their patrons added prestige.
-- From the Rice University Renaissance site
Patronage has since been on the decline. As Michael Riverson writes in his essay on patronage,
In modern times, there has been a trend away from individual patronage. It is somehow considered "elitist" and thus does not fit into the mold of certain political philosophies. So instead the government is expected to shoulder the burden of funding artists, providing art for all the people this way. Who exactly gets to create and deliver this art is chosen by committees, in the usual government manner. Few artists thrive and create great work in this kind of environment. ... Churches have largely stopped funding new works in most countries, leaving the burden on the shoulders of governments. Opportunities for musical performance and display of new graphic arts are severely limited worldwide, to varying degrees. ... Dancers are struggling to stay alive at all.
Now is a fine time to revive patronage, not only for large organizations such as symphonies and opera houses, but for individual intellectuals and artists as well. Starting with us.
We think you'll find that our ideas are worth funding.Some of the more pious among you could even regard it as your Christian duty. And wouldn't Bill Gates enjoy having a book dedicated to him, as was common practice in Renaissance Florence?
Get out your checkbooks and read on.
Just a few of the many projects we have in mind that $4 million would give us the freedom to explore ... in no particular order:
Stuff we'd do together
- For the trip we need an ambulance converted for our personal needs.
- Put together a down payment on a casino. We like gambling and all, but we know that as long as we're the ones pulling the handle we'll never really win. This sort of investment will likely continue to pay off long after the original $4 million has come and gone and been paid back (if that's what you want). Take one look at Steve Wynn and you'll see what we mean. We even have a casino in mind -- the currently decrepit Lucky Spur in Carson City, Nev. -- about half an hour south from Reno and east from Lake Tahoe.
Some day, all this will be ours!
Thea's list of projects
- Help Mom, friends and family with cars, homes, gifts.
- Fund and star in movie, enter it at Sundance, sign with major distributor.
- Build a 100 percent custom-tailored wardrobe for all occasions
- Real estate investments: Berlin pied-à-terre; Dublin Georgian.
Catherine's list of projects
- Pay off the mortgage.
- Embark on travel writing venture with husband, Edwin.
- Write fiction; publish stories; secure book deal; upon publication, secure movie deal.
- Real estate investment: New York penthouse, Upper West Side.
Before all you perverts and con men get too excited, we thought it would be best to warn you that there are some things we won't do, even for $4 million.
So here's the partial list: No, for $4 million we will not ...
Puppet shows for kids, yes.
Puppet porn, no.
- ... have sex with you or engage in sexual activities for you. And specifically, we will never do anything involving ponies or photographic evidence. (We do not rule out being asked to write erotica.)
- ... harm our loved ones in any way -- physically, mentally, financially, legally.
- ... engage in other illicit or illegal activities -- including but not limited to money laundering, counterfeiting or drugs. We have enough trouble as it is without getting caught committing felonies.
- ... publish or give you or otherwise make use of any of our private letters, documents, or diaries if we think they're not suitable for viewing.
- ... accept product placement within the work in question. Sure, we'll include a heartfelt prefatory dedication to each and every benevolent and kind-hearted member of the board of directors of Nabisco, but don't make our heroine eat Reduced Fat Wheat Thins (TM) when she really wants to eat Pringles (TM).
- ... do anything with, about, or involving clowns in any way.
Of course, we have the right to turn you down even if you ask us to do something not specifically mentioned on this list. But we thought we'd deflect the most obvious requests before they even headed our way.
So You Want to Give Us $4 Million
Say you're a multi-millionaire and you've looked at our site. You're a discriminating person who realizes that we're gals with wit, smarts and gumption. You're ready to write us a check.
Well, we're eager to hear from you! Simply drop us a line at roadjag [at] roadjag dot com (you know what we mean ... but spelled this way, the spambots don't). Include a description of what we need to do to get your $4 million, and we'll take it from there.
We're standing by -- email us any time.